Confessions of A Carb Queen

The Lies We Tell Others...The Lies We Tell Ourselves.

Saturday, September 30, 2006

Lesson in Forgiveness...

Quote of the Day:

It really doesn't matter if the person who hurt you deserves to be forgiven. Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself. You have things to do and you want to move on.

Bro called me last night to see how I was feeling after the conversation we had had during the day. We ended up talking for almost 2 hours. Simply adore him. How ironic that he's giving me the advice now!

We talked about everything from the Iraqi war to forgiveness. The latter being a life changing conversation. We talked about G. I didn't realize that him contacting me after so long in May had brought back anger...anger that I had thought was satiated. I really thought I had forgiven him. But I realized last night, that, last night I actually forgave him.

G reached out to me in May. Wanted to get back together. It had been 6 years. He had changed. He never stopped thinking about me. He has since never met anyone that compared to me. He tried. He wanted me again on my terms. He had followed my story after reading about me in the NYTimes. He was amazed at my courage and strength, but not surprised. He said he didn't realize how much pain I was in at the time and was glad to hear that I got through it. My tears have turned to smiles..that I was finally happy.

I thought about him. His 6'2", perfectly symetrical, chisled frame. None like I've seen before or since.

"We were really great together." Those words rang in my head for days after. We were the "beautiful couple" he reminded me someone once said. I reminded him, "radiance poured out of me and strength out of him. That was the beauty. Bone structure is genetic. Your essense is something that you nurture and grow."

But it's over now. I thought about calling him when I got off the phone with David. I wanted to tell him how I felt. I wanted to tell him how not being there for me, when I really needed him the most, made me feel...and so much more. But decided to sleep on it.
Instead, I was up until 2:30am, finally, organizing and paying bills, reading material, computer area and planning for Day 1 - Take Off.

Woke up at 11:00am. Missed shul, but am going tonight to an amazing lecture. I thought about G this morning again while shopping for cereal. Should I call him? Not to sound corny...but then something miraculous happened. I realized that something in my life had shifted. It was a physical and emotional feeling. Right there in Trader Joe's cereal aisle. I realized I have finally forgiven him. He's not what I'm looking for now in my life. Freedom to be, laughter, joy, loyalty, honesty, kindness...just being... takes priority.

As David put it, "my radiance is more beautiful than ever." I'm at peace, have been for a while. No matter how much G says he's "changed" it would never be enough change for what I'm looking for in my life. My forgiving him has nothing to do with's a present to myself.

I'm finally moving on.

Friday, September 29, 2006

It's Time!

Quote of the day:

The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams

Everything happens for a reason. Called bro today. He set me straight...he always does. He accomplished his goal. Got his life on straight and continues to make it every day. SO...

It's time to finish the job started 2 1/2 years ago. No excuses. No pain no gain. Total focus. Complete courage. Once done, long vacation to celebrate were bikinis are only worn. It's truly simple and I know it. I know what it takes and I will make it happen.

I'll make charts. Cancel plans. No dating till mission accomplished! No kissing. Blinders on until mission accomplished.

New Year starting...perfect timing. It's what I want. That I know for sure.

Complete determination, discipline and courage. People are going to be amazed at the tranformation...I will assure you of that. Long and lean, gyrotonics, pilates and dance, walking and hiking, light weights.

Remember bodybuilding philosophy: Create the goal, create the mission and go for it. You control the power.

You only live once...make it your best life.

I'm not at my best life...physically. I know that now. I've accomplished so much, and I've used that as a way of coddelling myself...but there is more now. It will be done. Period. Nothing and no one will get in my way. No emotions. Total analytical mindspace. No fear of the inevidable attention. I pick and chose who I allow in my life...and that will be done carefully. I don't have to worry...d,c,r,m,d,e,m,p....all have my back. They are my support line, the loves of my life...they would never allow anyone to hurt me. They would never allow me to make a mistake. Honesty and loyalty to the bone. I give it and I get it back.

I know I have it in me. I've accomplished everything in my life I have ever set out to do. The car is pulling into the station ready to complete this journey of my life...once in the station, I'll refuel and continue on another beautiful journey with new goals, hopes and dreams.

Get out the way 'cause i'm a comin' home.

Thursday, September 28, 2006

Happy endings...and beginnings :)

Quote of the day:

All the little things will add to a happy journey

Long, fun, night last night. Gotta get some rest. It's been so great being back in NY and having fun and going out and meeting new people and doing interesting things etc. But a girl needs to get some zzzzzzzzzz's!

Tonight...doing the gym thing at home, laundry, bills, seeing my mom, hopefully. absolute favorite season. Spoke to E-dog this morning and we're planning some fun stuff for the coming weeks.

So looking forward to my new hobby, hiking! Going to do some research on it tonight.

Enjoy your journey.....

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Boot Camp Hell...

Quote of the Day:

It's not what you's what you believe!

6:30pm showed up at the gym ready for a good workout. In walks some militant chick, no joke, short hair, tattoos, 17" waist and 36" chest! OK, she seemed first. Holy smokesssssss....this "girl" had us doing 300 lunges. 300! Does anyone know what a lunge is??? Yes, I did allllll 300! If you have any mercy, someone would be offering me a massage right about now! That's not including the squats, chest presses, push ups, jumping jacks (ok, I had to improvise on the jumping jacks..the "girls" weren't going for that!)...It was horrible...I'm going back next Tuesday at 6:30pm...anyone want to join???

Had a long talk with a friend last was good to catch up.

Monsoon coming in from India soon.....can't wait!

Another long night tonight...but should be a lot of fun! Broke plans for tomorrow night...I need a night to just chill!!

Decided to take up hiking! Started doing some research online...Looks like it's going to be Bear Mountain within the next few weeks!! Just in time for fall folliage.

So listen...everyone out there...have an inspiring day! Until next time....Susan

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

Falls a comin'!

Quote of the day:

Character is much easier kept than recovered!

So beautiful out today I barely made it to work. Remembered the days when I made my own schedule. Today would have been a day for a long bike ride, some phone calls, walk by the beach, more phone calls it's a square cubicle, floresant lights, air conditioning. It's all good though. Love my job, love the peeps. That makes it all worth it.

Went to the plastic surgeon yesterday. I'm doin' it everyone! I believe it's going to happen in January. Full body lift! FINALLYYY! Don't ask me how I'm going to pay for it and definately don't ask me if I'm scared. Because I'm terrified and broke! But I guess that's why there are bank loans! Didn't come all this way to stop here. It's only money. Right???!!! LOLO! I'll keep everyone posted. Meeting a friend of mine on Thursday that had it done by this doctor.

Long night tonight...boot camp workout, then it's off to meet a friend to see Sydney Pollack! Documentary on Frank Gehry. That's going to be so cool. I'll let you know how it goes.
NYC in the fall...nothing better. Going to the Hamptons soon...missed doing that when I was in NC. Should be lots of fun...

By the way....Letterman aired last Friday, but no one in the audience was seen!

Better get back to work......Until next time.....Sue B.

Monday, September 25, 2006

Greetings from New York!!

Sick from the little food I had yesterday. Figured out it was the turkey. Just can't eat meat anymore. I have nothing against killing a cow or a chicken..or turkey for that matter. But after not eating any of that for almost three system just can't handle it. Don't get me wrong, it handled the two chocolate chip cookies justttttt fine! LOLO..

Still, when you go over to someone else's house, what are you supposed to day..."umm, can I please make some pasta with olive oil and vinegar while all of you eat the garbage that is being served?" So you go with the flow.

New Year, great work out today. 15, 15, 15...all cardio. Doing it every morning. WILL meet my goal of my 40 pounds off by Jan. 1st.

Still in a weird place today, but I'm sure it will get better as the day goes on. Glass 1/2 full!

Gotta run...shower, work, gyrotonics tonight..YEAH!

Have a great day everyone!

Saturday, September 23, 2006

Saturday Bluessss...

Hi Everyone:

They say that it's healthy to cry - so why does it hurt so damn much? They say it's cleansing - then why am I shaking like a leaf? Horrible last couple days. So sad. Horribly sad. Need to write my grateful list. So here it goes:

I am grateful for:

1. Not having a toothache
2. Having amazing friends and family who love me and I love them
3. Feeling healthy even though I ate off my program today.
4. My little vehicle that has been with me through everything is still hangin' on
5. My parents are still with me Thank G-d!
6. I'm paying my bills off
7. I've made some amazing new friends
8. I can see, walk, smell and hear
9. My skin is clear of blemishes
10. I love my job and they love me!

I feel a little better now. Just a tough one. Sick of being alone. Ready for a relationship/ where are you? SOOOO sick of not having sex, but realized that what I really want is intimacy. Oh mannnnnnnn! Back to re-read my grateful list!!! Be happy and things will work themselves out...they really will. I'm so grateful for all of the loving people in my life.

Called my sister today and cried like a baby. She's amazing and I went to go see her and her family. My niece and nephew are too cute for words!! It made everything better!

Until next time.....Keep me posted on how you're doing!!! Susan :)

Thursday, September 21, 2006

MEN! here's the deal. When I was 468.1 pounds I dreamed that I would get thin, again, and would have no problem meeting a great guy. Now that I'm sexy, vivacious AND have the same funny, loyal and kind personality that I always did...where are the guys????? Where are you hiding? I'm not talking about the psychos! I've had dates with them! The nice, normal, smart, ready-to-get settle down with the right girl - guy? Don't get me wrong, losing the weight was the best thing I could have EVER done....but a girl is getting lonely! LOLO! (Funny, but not really!)

Anyway....I'm sure "he's" out there just waiting for the right time to scoop (punn intended...get it ice cream!) me up! Until then, I'll go out with the same fun loving attitude that I wake up with every day...because really...what in the heck is there to complain about!!!!

Hope everyone is having a great week!!! Keep me posted!

Warmly, Susan

Monday, September 18, 2006

David Letterman!

Hi Everyone!

Just got back from being in the audience of David Letterman! How fun...and VIP seats to boot! Speaking of the seats.....when I was first going into the theatre I had this flashback to 468.1 pounds, and realized that only just 2 years ago I would never have been able to sit in the seats. It was such a surreal feeling and one that I couldn't share with the person that I was with because we've only just met and frankly that was my old life. I don't want to live that life ever again, and I won't.

I can only urge everyone to realize that the freedom that you get when you're healthy is worth every struggle it is not to binge or not to abuse your body in any way.

Letterman was hysterical! LeBron James, Ludacris and a super funny ventriliquist were the guests. It was exactly one hour long!

More later!

Sunday, September 17, 2006

I missed you guys!

Hi Everyone...

So let me fill you in on what's been going on. I LEFT THE RICE HOUSE! I can't believe that my journey there is over, but it is! I got back to New York mid May with an apartment and no job, no money and with all of my hopes and dreams ahead of me! I was scared out of my mind! The first month was pretty tough. This is what my plan of action was for the first 3 months:

1. Get apartment set up in one week.
2. Find job in 3-4 weeks.
3. Stay out of restaurants.
4. Get signed up at a local gym and see about trainers when I have money.
5. Be calm.
6. See my family and friends that make up my support system - no one else!
7. Maintain my weight until after the summer and then begin to lose the last 40!
8. NO MEN!!!! :)

I'm so happy to report that it's now just about 5 months later and I've been able to maintain my weight!!! I did EVERYTHING I set out to do. I have a great apartment, great job, I've stayed out of restaurants, I have two great trainers, I happy and calm for the first time in my life, I see my friends and family in my support system very often and certainly call them very often, I've started to be more aggressive in losing the last 40 pounds and I'm happy to say I've been "men free!" No drama! I've recently started'll hear more about that later! :)

My sister and I have finished our book and we're in the midst of finalizing the contract with the publisher!!! It's been an incredible journey. In writing the book, I still can't believe how I survived it all. I am CERTAIN that all of you will be able to relate to any or all of the things in the I "lived" my life. I've only now learned what it really means to live!

I'm glad I'm back! Thanks to all of you who kept up with me through your emails...I can't tell you how much it helped me! Thank you so much for being patient. In the next few blogs entries I would like to share with you what I've learned these last couple months. I know it will help all of you!

Please let me know how everyone is doing!!! Speak to you soon!!! Susan :)