Confessions of A Carb Queen

The Lies We Tell Others...The Lies We Tell Ourselves.

Sunday, November 12, 2006

Life is a Test

October 22nd was my last blog entry. It would take me a week to fill in what has happened since. What my journey has been over the last couple weeks has been so full of growth that it took me time to just metabolize in my thoughts and mind what has transpired.

I started this blog as an online "diet" tool so I could keep myself focused on losing the last 45 pounds. What came out of it was so much more than that. What I realized is that the last 45 pounds had nothing to do with actually losing the last 45 pounds. Losing the last 45 pounds was about not accepting myself with the last 45 pounds on! Follow me's not that I don't have an intention of achieving my a matter of fact I'm more than 1/2 way's that the pounds are not the issue. What will happen when the last 45 pounds are off? Am I going to be "good enough" then? I woke up one morning about 2 weeks ago and declared that I am good enough just as I am. That, yes, the 45 pounds will come off (and actually has come off quicker since I've come to love myself more than I already did), but it's not a race. I am good enough. The obsession that I had, in my head, to conquer the balance of the weight was truly killing my soul. If I went up on the was a bad day...if I went was a good day. If the scale went up I was bad! If the scale went down I was good....I was worthy. NO! I'm good, worthy, precious, loving, kind, funny, pretty, smart, witty...all of those things. It's NOT about the 45 pounds. It's about how I feel about me, with or without the 45 pounds!

Then something very strange started to happen. I started to change my way of thinking. I started to realize who and what I wanted in my life. I started to truly be grateful. I finally divorced friends of mine that were toxic. I've continued not to date. As much as I want to be with someone, and I me!...I'm not ready. I feel that I'm not ready for the right person that I'm supposed to meet. I've decided that working on making myself the best...and I don't mean losing the last 45 pounds!...but the best person...the person that I know I can and want to be...will bring the most amazing things in my life. I've finally started to think differently. I'm realizing what and who are important in my life. Drama free. Negativity free.

I had an amazing talk with my brother who set me straight. I met this incredible 25 year old guy who taught me a lesson on relationships. (How did he get so smart???) I joined a Sunday learning class that is teaching me things that I've wanted to learn for years. I've "cleaned out my closets." I'm stepping up to the plate of life.

Life is a test. We are all given tests that we either pass or fail. We take this road or that road and whichever road we take will lead us down a path. This is the path that I've yearned for. Dreamed about. Wanted. I know in my heart that it's right. I know in my heart that I've made the right choices these past two weeks. I'm scared. Of the unknown. Of being "alone" in my journey. Life is a test. Each time I get nervous, scared, feel lonely..I think something positive. I realize that I'm never alone. That, in time, with G-d's help and my persistance I will percervere with what I want to accomplish in life. Marriage, family, helping others.

Life is a test...and I'm going to pass it with flying colors!