Confessions of A Carb Queen

The Lies We Tell Others...The Lies We Tell Ourselves.

Sunday, November 12, 2006

Life is a Test

October 22nd was my last blog entry. It would take me a week to fill in what has happened since. What my journey has been over the last couple weeks has been so full of growth that it took me time to just metabolize in my thoughts and mind what has transpired.

I started this blog as an online "diet" tool so I could keep myself focused on losing the last 45 pounds. What came out of it was so much more than that. What I realized is that the last 45 pounds had nothing to do with actually losing the last 45 pounds. Losing the last 45 pounds was about not accepting myself with the last 45 pounds on! Follow me here....it's not that I don't have an intention of achieving my goals...as a matter of fact I'm more than 1/2 way there...it's that the pounds are not the issue. What will happen when the last 45 pounds are off? Am I going to be "good enough" then? I woke up one morning about 2 weeks ago and declared that I am good enough just as I am. That, yes, the 45 pounds will come off (and actually has come off quicker since I've come to love myself more than I already did), but it's not a race. I am good enough. The obsession that I had, in my head, to conquer the balance of the weight was truly killing my soul. If I went up on the scale..it was a bad day...if I went down..it was a good day. If the scale went up I was bad! If the scale went down I was good....I was worthy. NO! I'm good, worthy, precious, loving, kind, funny, pretty, smart, witty...all of those things. It's NOT about the 45 pounds. It's about how I feel about me, with or without the 45 pounds!

Then something very strange started to happen. I started to change my way of thinking. I started to realize who and what I wanted in my life. I started to truly be grateful. I finally divorced friends of mine that were toxic. I've continued not to date. As much as I want to be with someone, and I do...trust me!...I'm not ready. I feel that I'm not ready for the right person that I'm supposed to meet. I've decided that working on making myself the best...and I don't mean losing the last 45 pounds!...but the best person...the person that I know I can and want to be...will bring the most amazing things in my life. I've finally started to think differently. I'm realizing what and who are important in my life. Drama free. Negativity free.

I had an amazing talk with my brother who set me straight. I met this incredible 25 year old guy who taught me a lesson on relationships. (How did he get so smart???) I joined a Sunday learning class that is teaching me things that I've wanted to learn for years. I've "cleaned out my closets." I'm stepping up to the plate of life.

Life is a test. We are all given tests that we either pass or fail. We take this road or that road and whichever road we take will lead us down a path. This is the path that I've yearned for. Dreamed about. Wanted. I know in my heart that it's right. I know in my heart that I've made the right choices these past two weeks. I'm scared. Of the unknown. Of being "alone" in my journey. Life is a test. Each time I get nervous, scared, feel lonely..I think something positive. I realize that I'm never alone. That, in time, with G-d's help and my persistance I will percervere with what I want to accomplish in life. Marriage, family, helping others.

Life is a test...and I'm going to pass it with flying colors!

5 Comments:

At 3:14 PM, Blogger Jeanie said...

Susan, This is a BEAUTIFUL post. SO full of learning. I also love it that you have such a wonderful relationship with your brother and that you actually talk about things in your heart and on your mind. So many of us do not do that. People do not know what they are missing.
You WILL achieve your goals. OR maybe you already have.....
Rob

 
At 5:42 AM, Blogger Joely Sue Burkhart said...

Susan, I've followed your blog often since I saw the WW article. I just wanted to say that you're right -- we're not alone. And I think God sets people in our paths, too, when we need a little encouragement. Your amazing progress gave me the courage to try, and I've lost 42 pounds on the Rice Diet. You were put in my path when I needed a little encouragement. I think your realization is great -- that with or without the weight, we have to love ourselves first. I obviously didn't love myself all those years I stacked on an unbelievable amount of weight. I have a long ways to go. But we're definitely not alone, and even when we fail a test, there is something to be gained for the Journey. Failing isn't taking a wrong turn, or eating something we shouldn't, or not standing up for ourselves to toxic people, or whatever. Failing is just giving up and sitting beside the road.

 
At 10:48 AM, Blogger Krista said...

I'm blog-hopping and stumbled across your site. I don't know your story, but I wanted to say that I really love the message in this post. Sometimes we get so caught up in the external, we forget the internal is much more important.

Good luck with your weight loss goals and those things even more important.

 
At 6:01 PM, Blogger Susan Blech said...

Thank you so much for stopping by and reading my blog! It's been a long journey, but one that has been life changing in so many more ways than just weight!

Susan :)

 
At 2:41 AM, Blogger Meg said...

Hello, I am Megan i am only 15 and i was reading your story in the womans day magazine. You look gorgeous!! And i am not just saying that but it is extremely true, you have tried so hard, you must be so proud of yourself. I just needed to talk to someone because i am not obese but i really just want to lose some kilos because i still have fat rolls and big thighs and you probably think that this is so ridiculous but i weigh 58kg and i just want to like i said lose some weight, people keep saying that i don't need to lose weight but i want to be able to wear a bikini on a beach and i don't want to be so self conscious, i wear make up aswel and i shouldn't because i am only 15 but i just feel so ugly without it :( i want to know how you made yourself so dedicated because i try so hard to excersice and just eat healthy food no junk food but i always get lazy and give up. No matter how hard i try i always fail. :(

Congratulations on losing so much weight.

 

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