Confessions of A Carb Queen

The Lies We Tell Others...The Lies We Tell Ourselves.

Saturday, September 30, 2006

Lesson in Forgiveness...

Quote of the Day:

It really doesn't matter if the person who hurt you deserves to be forgiven. Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself. You have things to do and you want to move on.

Bro called me last night to see how I was feeling after the conversation we had had during the day. We ended up talking for almost 2 hours. Simply adore him. How ironic that he's giving me the advice now!

We talked about everything from the Iraqi war to forgiveness. The latter being a life changing conversation. We talked about G. I didn't realize that him contacting me after so long in May had brought back anger...anger that I had thought was satiated. I really thought I had forgiven him. But I realized last night, that, last night I actually forgave him.

G reached out to me in May. Wanted to get back together. It had been 6 years. He had changed. He never stopped thinking about me. He has since never met anyone that compared to me. He tried. He wanted me again on my terms. He had followed my story after reading about me in the NYTimes. He was amazed at my courage and strength, but not surprised. He said he didn't realize how much pain I was in at the time and was glad to hear that I got through it. My tears have turned to smiles..that I was finally happy.

I thought about him. His 6'2", perfectly symetrical, chisled frame. None like I've seen before or since.

"We were really great together." Those words rang in my head for days after. We were the "beautiful couple" he reminded me someone once said. I reminded him, "radiance poured out of me and strength out of him. That was the beauty. Bone structure is genetic. Your essense is something that you nurture and grow."

But it's over now. I thought about calling him when I got off the phone with David. I wanted to tell him how I felt. I wanted to tell him how not being there for me, when I really needed him the most, made me feel...and so much more. But decided to sleep on it.
Instead, I was up until 2:30am, finally, organizing and paying bills, reading material, computer area and planning for Day 1 - Take Off.

Woke up at 11:00am. Missed shul, but am going tonight to an amazing lecture. I thought about G this morning again while shopping for cereal. Should I call him? Not to sound corny...but then something miraculous happened. I realized that something in my life had shifted. It was a physical and emotional feeling. Right there in Trader Joe's cereal aisle. I realized I have finally forgiven him. He's not what I'm looking for now in my life. Freedom to be, laughter, joy, loyalty, honesty, kindness...just being... takes priority.

As David put it, "my radiance is more beautiful than ever." I'm at peace, have been for a while. No matter how much G says he's "changed" it would never be enough change for what I'm looking for in my life. My forgiving him has nothing to do with him...it's a present to myself.

I'm finally moving on.

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